And it was like my heart was breaking

Last night, my family were sleeping and my chest was constricting. I was fighting back tears as their chests rose and fell with each breath in and out. I was remembering as they slept, and dreamed.

And it was like my heart was breaking.

Yesterday, I thought it was still passing me by and yet I know now that it’s going to take a very long time. Yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that… I thought I was growing stronger and stronger and now I’m not so sure. Last night, my mind insisted on returning.

And it was like my heart was breaking.

In a few days time, it will be two long years since the toddler’s original due date. That day, like today, my belly was swollen and I was smiling with each kick and squirm. That day, we went to the big one’s Christmas fair at school and we laughed and we smiled and we looked forward to it all. Last night, I remembered all of this: the clothes I was wearing, the smells in the cold December air, the excited giggles of children as they waited to meet Santa. All of these things are here again.

And it was like my heart was breaking as I thought of me then and wished so hard for me then. My stomach was churning as I knew all that I had to go through then.

Someone recently told me whoever said that time is a great healer is a damn liar and I know what she means. I know what she means when she says that time does not heal, it just puts more time in between you and your nightmare.

And it will always be like my heart is breaking.

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3 responses to “And it was like my heart was breaking

  • The Boy and Me (@TheBoyandMe)

    Huge hug, you are still doing so well. I don’t think time is always a healer. I figure that memories go one of two ways: either the bad bits get filtered out, or the good bits get filtered out. With The Boy’s birth, all I can now think about it the bad bits.

    I hope that when you have the new baby that it helps to ease the memory.

  • redrosemummy

    It is so hard to remember the good bits when you’ve been through something so awful. I’m the same as TBAM in that I am so focused on the bad parts of Bud’s birth – mainly what happened after he was delivered, but I need to get past this and focus on the positives if we are going to add to our little family. Hugs x

  • Alexander Residence

    I read something really inspiring about the sheer emotional weight of the pressure, social obligations and hype and how easily they force us back down very emotional pathways. It’s such a tough time when it becomes attached to difficult events, for me losing mum. I’m trying to give myself as much time as possible away from the obligations and hype so I can savour and enjoy it. Hope you find your path through it too x

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