This is a guest post from the toddler. He writes:
This week has been a little boring, actually. I wasn’t allowed to go to nursery to see my friends because of some dodgy gastroentrinitis I picked up. That’s the trouble with having a busy social life- you pick up all sorts of nasty bugs. Well, nasty for mummy too. My poo can travel miles, you know.
So, to break up the boredom of spending ALL day EVERY day with mummy, I thought I would practise my front door shutting techniques. By mid-week I was getting quite good at it but it’s a heavy old thing and I can never seem to get enough power behind it. I am only one and a half, you know. But I am also determined, so when I put my mind to something, I ALWAYS strive to achieve it…
By Friday, I had a plan. I’d noticed that when the porch door is open, there is a bit of a wind tunnel in the hallway and sometimes that big old door closes by itself. So all I had to do is wait for that door to open, push the heavy door and hey presto! My door slamming days can begin! And guess what? It worked!
You should’ve seen mummy’s face when that door slammed behind her as she nipped into the porch to get some wipes for my latest nappy explosion! Hee hee. Actually, I didn’t see her face because while she was standing in the porch, I was still in the house so I could only hear her. And boy was she making some funny noises. Kind of a bit screechy and a bit shouty actually. I think she was really impressed at how quickly I slammed that door on her. It really was a good old slam.
After a while I began to realise that I couldn’t see mummy anymore so I decided I would call for her. She sounded all muffled and funny and I don’t know why she didn’t just open to door to talk to me instead. I also don’t know what “Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god” means either. Maybe when I’m bigger I’ll understand.
Then mummy told me to go and watch some television. Yes! Mickey Mouse! But she tricked me. The television wasn’t even on. But there was mummy, waving like a lunatic through the window!
She did look funny, staring at me like that. She still didn’t come inside. Strange. I decided to do some of my finest sofa gymnastics to really impress her. She looked a little bit worried when I tried the back flip off the arm- perhaps I need to practise that one. I soon got bored, so I moved on to pulling plants out of their pots. Great fun, that one. Especially when you pretend to eat the mud. Mummy really started jumping up and down at that one!
Eventually, I got a bit bored. My bum was getting sore too. But oh my god oh my god oh my god (oh! Look what I did there!) guess what happened next? A FIRE ENGINE turned up! And all these people from down the road were there giving mummy hugs and things. The firefighters put some ladders up against the house and then I heard some strange noises upstairs. I decided to lean nonchalantly against the sofa, as if the nee-naw was no big deal, but really I was so excited! And then guess what?! A real life firefighter appeared in my living room and picked me up! I really did pee my pants then, it was super exciting! But all he did was return me to mummy, who kept kissing me and calling me a monkey and stuff like that. I don’t know why she was so pleased to see me, she could see me all the time through the window…