How do I explain myself?

For various reasons I won’t go into, my GP needed to refer me to hospital this week. It’s ok, not serious and I’m fine! I told my GP that under no circumstances did I want to go back to the hospital where my children were born. He politely enquired if he could ask why. I briefly told him that I couldn’t face being there, and waited for my heart to stop pounding.

How do I explain myself? How do I make this man understand what happened to me there? Not just physically, but emotionally. How do I make him see that the hospital, super-unit or not, robbed me of something so precious I can’t even really begin to describe what it was. I’m not sure I even know what was taken from me that day. A piece of me, I suppose.

When I left that hospital with my son in bundled in his car seat and his too big baby grow that had been hanging on his bedroom door for two months, I left as a different person. I see different images when I close my eyes now.

When I left that hospital with my son whimpering in my ear and screaming in my heart, I became a different person. How do I explain myself now?

I love my son. He is a ray of sunshine in everybody’s life. When he walks hand in hand with his sister or when he snuggles up to watch TV at the end of the day… those moments remind me that I have travelled further than those few steps from the warmth of the cold hospital to the waiting car. Those moments remind me that yes, I am lucky. Now.

How do I explain all of this to my GP? This man, who is perfectly nice and just wants to know why I want to be referred to a different hospital. How do I explain myself?


7 responses to “How do I explain myself?

  • TheBoyandMe

    I know this one. I feel the same. I have already told my GP that there is no way that I will set foot in the hospital where The Boy was born, if I am lucky enough to have another child. It will not be delivered there, I refuse. I’ve had to go back for unrelated treatment and The Boy was admitted through the emergency department (the only one in the city) which I had no control over. But for scheduled? No way. I’ve got hysterical and lost control and she completely understands. I’m also lucky because she has had two children there and discharged herself against medical advice after a day on both occasions, because of the conditions.

    I know what you are trying to explain.

  • Di

    I had a terrible experience at the hospital I gave birth to my son in right from the start of my pregnancy till after his birth I was there for a week after having my son and hated it. Explaining te way I was treated is even harder and people don’t understand it. I would love another child but in no way in hell do I Wang to deliver my next child there but I may not have a choice simply because it’s the only one available in my location. I feel for u I really do xxxx

  • waterbirthplease

    The sad thing is – you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. So many Mums don’t realise the choices they actually have. A beautiful bit of writing xxx

  • twopointfourchildren

    I had a bad experience with my local hospital with my first born and vowed never to go back. Unfortunately due to circumstances we have had to return on numerous occasions but thankfully most times everything has been ok.
    The hospital in my mind was negligent and although I can see how pushed hospitals are when it comes down to life and death matters I don’t care how stretched they are they need to work right.
    I really hope you don’t have to explain and that you can avoid going back to somewhere than conjures up such powerful memories

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