For various reasons I won’t go into, my GP needed to refer me to hospital this week. It’s ok, not serious and I’m fine! I told my GP that under no circumstances did I want to go back to the hospital where my children were born. He politely enquired if he could ask why. I briefly told him that I couldn’t face being there, and waited for my heart to stop pounding.
How do I explain myself? How do I make this man understand what happened to me there? Not just physically, but emotionally. How do I make him see that the hospital, super-unit or not, robbed me of something so precious I can’t even really begin to describe what it was. I’m not sure I even know what was taken from me that day. A piece of me, I suppose.
When I left that hospital with my son in bundled in his car seat and his too big baby grow that had been hanging on his bedroom door for two months, I left as a different person. I see different images when I close my eyes now.
When I left that hospital with my son whimpering in my ear and screaming in my heart, I became a different person. How do I explain myself now?
I love my son. He is a ray of sunshine in everybody’s life. When he walks hand in hand with his sister or when he snuggles up to watch TV at the end of the day… those moments remind me that I have travelled further than those few steps from the warmth of the cold hospital to the waiting car. Those moments remind me that yes, I am lucky. Now.
How do I explain all of this to my GP? This man, who is perfectly nice and just wants to know why I want to be referred to a different hospital. How do I explain myself?