To my son. My son. There was a time when I never ever imagined I would have a son. There are only girls in my family and two of my sisters and I all went on to have girls ourselves. When we found out about you, we couldn’t stop smiling. I claimed to have known all along that you were a boy but in reality I was amazed. My mum once asked what is was like to have a boy… having a son was so unbelievable. There was a time after that when we thought we might lose you altogether and so sometimes disbelief doesn’t quite cut it.
My son. My boy with the blue eyes and the short fuse. I’m sorry.
I wish I could take away those dark days that are filled with tears and sadness and replace them with warm memories and sunshine. I wish I could think back to those days without that heavy feeling in my tummy and the realisation that I wasn’t there for you. I wish I could change the time and do it all again. After all, aren’t these days the best days?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop the tears and instead I cried long enough and hard enough to drown our hopes. I’m sorry that the things you needed were the very things I couldn’t find. I’m sorry.
I wish I knew a way to make things right; being here now is the only thing I can try.