These things scare me

I’m not just talking spiders or dogs here. Yes, dogs. Dogs scare me. I’ve been known to cross the road if one is coming towards me, although I AM getting better, honestly. These days, real things scare me.

Things like getting old and realising my children are all grown up before I had chance to play with them properly. Realising they left home while I was busy planning a literacy unit. Waking up on a weekend to find that my kids want a lie in and I want to go out splashing in puddles- then realising I never noticed the time slip away.

I’m scared about my kids growing up and realising that I’m not supermum, because once I WAS the most important person in their lives… aside from daddy of course. What happens when the big one wants someone else to hold her hair back when she’s sick? Or the baby prefers to listen to loud music over my renditions of row row your boat?

I’m scared that the ‘baby times’ really won’t last forever and I may look back to see that I spent those times feeling a little lost.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to juggle everything and one day all my plates will stop spinning. I want these years to last forever, or at least I want to be able to enjoy them, remember them and look back on them with a smile on my face, knowing that I made the most of them.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about this dilemma- wondering whether I should go back to work full time after my one year secondment part time. I’ve decided the thing I am most scared of is waking up one day with a good job, money in the bank and times having passed me by. Thing is, I can’t stay where I am and so I have to decide what step to take next. Where will my life take me next?

7 responses to “These things scare me

  • janeblackmore

    this is just the post I needed to read, thankyou

    I am nine months into maternity leave and facing the challenging question of what to do now, my job is demanding and time consuming, my children are growing fast. life is full of hard choices and ones that involve finances are even tougher. As you know its a hard place to be in but thank you for articulating it beautfully!

    j x

  • The Mummy Bean

    I’m working freelance from home, which is fantastic for the moment but I’m sure one day I am going to have to consider going back full time. I hope the road to your decision isn’t too bumpy, it’s such a hard call. Lovely post.

  • TheBoyandMe

    I went back in May last year and am part-time. I intend to stay part-time until The Boy is in school, I’d like another one in the meantime so don’t see me going back full-time for another 5 years. We are quite broke at the moment, but surviving with a margin or error. However, I am unprepared to miss more of The Boy’s life than necessary at the mo.

    I personally feel that if you can cope financially with a few corners being cut, then it’s worth it.

  • Honest Mum

    Great post and I feel the same and relate to this so much.

  • Crystal Jigsaw

    It’s a good question; time goes quickly and we need to make the most of it. But it is inevitable that our children will grow up and we will ask when that happened.

    CJ xx

  • moonwalkingmum

    I worked p/t from my first being born, then when my first reached 5 and 2nd son reached 2, I had to return to work f/t. I was dreading it. I was lucky the company were flexible and I was able to drop off at school 2 days a week, attend all assemblies/school events and make the time up plus I could work my hours to allow me to take one early day a week and finish at 2.30. three days I finished at 4.30, and one day at 5. I am now more or less a stay at home mum, so I am expereincing all sides of it. I can honestly say I feel I did more with the boys as a f/t working mum. I was always there for them and yes I never sat down, never had a lunch break and regulalry went to bed after midnight as I was sat making costumes or cakes so they would be the same as others. But we went to the park most nights, or swimming or a walk down the canal before tea, or splashing in puddles. Now its all so easy to think we’ll do that tomorrow, plus the boys no longer want to. They wanted to spend the time with me before, now its almost like they see too much of me and are bored of me. Its such a fine balance. Good luck with your decision

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