The World according to the baby

The other day I wrote a post based on notes I had found from the big one and things she says on a daily basis. Today she has helped me to write this post, courtesy of her little brother, otherwise known as Pookie, Pookatron, Monster Munch, The Monko, Monkey chops 3000, Mr Manical and *sometimes* Luka.

1. Sleep is an elusive prize. This one is mine. According to the baby, sleep should be dangled infront of parents, much like the so-called carrot. It is there to tempt, to lull you into a false sense of security, just like all the baby books and well-meaning advisors do. Oh, yes! They assure you that your baby will be sleeping through my twelve weeks/ at fourteen pounds/ as soon as they find the right medication… when he’s ready. Yip. Dunno when that will be, but at least I know his feelings on it. What’s wrong with wanting a good old scream at 3am? Nothing, I say.

2. EVERYWHERE is a playground. He can play at B&Q, he can find excitement in Asda. He just loves to step onto the crunchy stones on the driveway and you know those slimy brown leaves on the side of the pavement, left over from autumn and not really going anywhere? Yeah, well they’re just great for poking and kicking for a while. The kitchen cupboards can provide hours of entertainment and don’t even get me started on the electrical applicances! Dishwashers should be climbed into, washing machines need to be closed IMMEDIATELY, whether someone (me) is trying to load it or not. DVDs and CDs need pulling from shelves and scattering all around, books need pulling from the big one’s book shelf and not to mention all the crayons that need a good old chew. Its a busy life and like I said, its FULL of playgrounds.

3. Mealtimes are a game. All you have to do is clamp your mouth shut and refuse all food until… until they give in! Then they give you the spoon, which you refuse to use, and you are set. Yogurt is good poured on the table and smeared around a bit with your finger. Toast is good chewed for a while and then smeared into the yogurt. He likes to poke pasta for while, ocassionally taste it, mostly just poke it. The most important thing is to always remain in control. The baby WANTS food down himself, around the room and all over your clothes. NOT in his tummy, right?

4. Big sisters are the best.

5. Every time the front door opens, thats daddy coming home from work. Even when daddy is sitting right there.

6. The school run is THE perfect time to do a massive quacking nappy. Really, it is.

7. Being strapped into the car seat is the most awful torturous experience in the world and most definitely requires the ‘teddy spaghetti’ effect. The baby must make his body as stiff and long as possible so that strapping him in for his own safety becomes a two person job. He learned this from his sister, Betty Spaghetti. The same actions are required for the highchair.

8. Any item that makes a sound rocks! Musical, great. Shakers, great. People singing, brilliant. Toilets flushing, kettles boiling, toasters toasting, dogs barking, big sisters popping…

9. Nursery is a magical place. This is where the baby eats three course meals, where he took his first steps, where he very cleverly learns how to forget his entire routine over just two days. This means that he is magically able to resist all naps, meals and relied upon methods of calming. Magical.

10. Tantrums gets you noticed.


6 responses to “The World according to the baby

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