Ok, so I think I can do this now

I think it is finally time to get an honest version of my son’s birth down. For some reason, I’ve started to feel as though I might forget parts of what happened and while this obviously means that I am ‘moving on’ it also means that such an important event in my life is being pushed aside in my mind- not sure I’m ready for that yet.. Maybe writing it down will help; maybe not.

So. We had an elective section booked, due the nature of E’s emergency section and both feeling like we never ever wanted to go through that again. I’d been induced and the pain was horrific. I was told I was not in labour and so was left in pain, scared and wondering what the HELL I was doing wrong. To cut a long story short, they examined me, rushed me to delivery and then cut me open after E’s heartrate wouldn’t play ball.

We went to the cinema on the 11th and we watched Paranormal Activity. I would NOT recommend this film to pregnant women. I kid you not, the contractions started (mildly) right there amongst the sweaty bodies and dry popcorn. I kept it to myself. The next day we took E to a birthday party and when one of the other mums asked if I’d had any signs, I lied. We went through a car wash. We came home and had dinner. We put E to bed. We played Mariokart on the Wii. We watched a film on box office. We went to bed. I took a cup of tea with me, afraid to go to sleep. By 3am ish I could no longer deny it. The baby was coming and it felt like a cold ball of steel in the pit of my stomach.

When we got to the hospital I was immediately classed as ‘high risk’, told I was not in labour but I could not go home. I was to wait in hospital until the 15th and my husband was to go home. They put me ona ward with a girl who kept talking to me about rubbish and I stayed curled on my bed, in pain, crying, until 11am when my husband was finally allowed back in. The first thing I told him was that I wasn’t in labour. The fear was unreal: If I wasn’t in labour, then what the hell was going on?

Finally, a midwife decided to stop ignoring me, examined me and rushed me away. I was given beauiful G&A and they called for an epidural. HOORAY!!

When I came round, my beautiful boy had been born, named, weighed, cleaned, wrapped in a blanket and cuddled. I later found out that they had cut his skin above his lip (today he has a small, silver scar there) and had put a tube down his throat to resuscitate him. Poor baby. My baby had come into the world without me, without his daddy and without loving arms to hold him.

What struck me after his birth was people saying congratulations to me. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t see the gorgeous baby lying in the crib. I could only see the terror that faced me, lying on the operating table thinking he was dead. I couldn’t accept that he was mine and therefore I didn’t want him. This wasn’t the baby that was inside me for nine and a half months. This was some other baby, surely.

If you look at L now, there’s no mistaking him- he’s a mini-me! Today. We’ve bonded, we’ve kissed, we’ve cuddled. We love each other. He’s my son. We got there. It was a struggle, but we got there.

I will never ever get the first hour of his life back again and I’m not sure I will ever get over that. But I do have so much more time with him to come and that’s no longer terrifying. It was such a long journey and the battles aren’t yet over but maybe one day I will tell him all about his amazing entry into this world and how it helped me to be me and to love him and E the way I do today.

I love you Luka XxX

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52 responses to “Ok, so I think I can do this now

  • Anna

    Wow – that sounds terrifying. It helps so much to retell the birth story though I find. I know that first hour is gone for good, but think how many more there are going to be to enjoy. Merry Christmas to you and your little ones.

  • Crystal Jigsaw

    A very heartwarming post. What’s an hour when you have the rest of your lives together. Best wishes for a wonderful future.

    CJ x

    • ghostwritermummy

      You’re so right! I have cried RIVERS over that lost hour and I spent most of Luka’s early days in an absolute fog. I woudl be really angry at myself for wasting precious days but that’s just another wasted emotion. I’m just going to concentrate on all the wonderful moments we have yet to come! Thanks for your comments
      XxX

  • superamazingmum

    what a horrible experience. I hope that by writing it down you have found some comfort. I need to do the same at some stage as went through a similar horrific experience with Beansy (how I ever got around to having 2 more kids I don’t know).

    Anyway, wishing you all a lovely, lovely Christmas xxxxx

    • ghostwritermummy

      It really does help to write it all down. I got a lot of support from the wonderful ladies at the National Birth Trauma Association facebook group too. We were just saying that we are determined to make this christmas so much better than the stress fest last year, I have so much to make up to my son.
      Thanks for your comments!
      XxX

      ps merry christmas!

  • helloitsgemma

    Thank you so much for sharing. My experience was not as grim as yours, however, I now feel angry with the hospital and feel their failings negatively impacted on my first few days as a mother. I also had a c-section, not emergency, but not planned either, it was the best option for my labour. It took 15 minutes to get him out of me. I didn’t have that rush of love that people talk about, did feel very protective, and I feel that was due to my experiences on the ward and in the hospital. When I got home I cried for an entire day, just at the relief of being home. The maternity system has a lot to answer for, and big improvements to make, you shouldn’t have to complain or shout – they should recognise when they are getting it wrong.

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  • Blue Sky

    So sad that women are still not listened to and believed – like that I was in labour for 48 hours on Smiley before I was listened to and rushed down to the labour ward in a panic…

  • Mummy Beadzoid

    Wow that post had tears welling in my eyes. Excellently written and so emotional (but not in the over the top sense)! Put me in the birth trauma club – in fact I’m going to chek out the Facebook page. I agree, something has to be done – not only about the understaffing issues currently affecting maternity wards but also the type of people who are allowed to practice as midwives! Experiences like ours are all too common I’m afraid.

    • ghostwritermummy

      Thank you so much for your comments. You’re right, bad experiences shouldn’t happen any more and yet they do. MY after care was also terrible and something needs to be done. Thanks for checking out the page, leave a comment and I will link you in to my next post
      XxX

  • Mummy Beadzoid

    You’re very welcome. I was originally drawn in by your lists (every good nerd loves a list!) and have been enjoying reading around your blog some more. Sorry your after care so so rubbish too – that was a saving grace for me, but then they had to really because my daughter and I were camped out in special care for 11 weeks. Your little ones are adorable – makes it just about worth the trauma we went through doesn’t it, but still, that’s not the point!!!! 😉 X

    • ghostwritermummy

      I just went over to your blog. I thank my lucky stars we didn’t need after care, it must have been so difficult. There’s a discussion on my facebook page about birth trauma and I’m thinking of setting up a group on BMB as there seems to be so many of us with this in common. Not sure if it would be anything more than sharing stories but maybe we could discuss ways of campaigning for better care/ more awareness. If you’re over there, find me and we can discuss it!
      XxX

      • Mummy Beadzoid

        That sounds like a great idea! Not completely got my bearings on BMB yet but I will keep an eye out for you while I’m mosying around the joint. I’d love to get some campaigning going and sharing stories is good too – very cathartic! I’ll also check out your facebook page 🙂 x

  • Wendy McDonald

    What a brave post. I’ve had five children. My first birth was quite horrific. I was a terrified 19 year old with monitors showing my son’s heartbeat to be, as the midwife explained to me, “as flat as a pancake”. Not the most sensitive terminology to describe severe fetal distress! My emergency C-Section was interrupted by the urge to push. Thank God for this because my epidural had only numbed one side of me but the professionals told me that was impossible. My later research has shown this is actually quite common, but 22 years ago I was called a liar. The forceps pulled a purple, lifeless baby from me. His placenta had failed in the two weeks that I was allowed to go over my due date. He was rushed away, my cries of “Is he dead?” were ignored. Thankfully, he started to breathe and made a full recovery. I healed emotionally in time. 22 years on, my son is an amazing full grown man. I went on to have four more babies…only the last one was a positive experience. I could write pages on my poor labour experiences. But the bottom line is that you have a lifetime to love these children. Regardless of the unnecessary traumas of mismanaged childbirth, maternal love will overcome.

  • Mom-on-a-Wire (Alethea)

    What a journey! Quite harrowing!

    I am so very glad that it all worked out in the end and that it is now something that you are able to write down and hopefully move on from in time.

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  • Debbie

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I wrote down my first daughter’s birth story and felt it really helped me move on. Huge tears doing it but felt much better after. I had a uterine rupture with my second and haven’t brought myself to write about it yet. Too raw even a year on. I remember nothing for the first few hours of either of their precious lives due to general anaesthetics each time so sympathise with what a loss that feels. So glad you are moving on. Hope I get there soon too…

    Debbie x

    • ghostwritermummy

      Hi debbie
      Thanks for sharing. I know it is hard and I know that you know how much it helps to write it down. Please let me know if you do. Also, have a look at my facebook page, there is a discussion about a post I want to write if you’re interested in taking part. Let me know. Thanks for commenting
      XxX

  • Jen

    It makes me cross that professionals don’t listen to women, who know their own bodies better than any professional does. I am so sorry to hear that you had such frightening experiences both times. Big hugs and thanks for joining in Blog Gems. Jen

  • theboyandme

    That is horrendous and so incompetent of them it’s unbelievable. Poor you having to go through the same thing twice. It astounds me why they keep waiting to see if we can do it naturally, putting baby’s & our lives on the line! The Boy had a fluctuating heart-rate (80-200) for 3hrs before they finally ripped him out of me with forceps, misplacing them so he had a cut (& small dent) along his forehead & at the corner of his eye. And the other forcep grazed behind his ear which then got infected & he was on an antibiotic drip at 12 hrs old. If they’d done a c-section when it started to get hairy this wouldn’t have happened. I’m so sorry you had to go through that awful situation.

    • ghostwritermummy

      What amazes me is that every single birth is different and yet they insist on treating us all the same and assume that such and such a thing is happening when other things are going wrong. I’ve spoken to lots of women who have had awful forceps deliveries. And for the injuries to go on past birth is just awful; at least L’s cut lip was ok once we took the dressing off. However, we saw a cranial osteopath who insisted that his reflux and crying etc was down to his birth. He said that the bones were misaligned from his skull down to his stomach as he had been stuck and then pulled with force in the opposite directecion when they took him out. Not sure how much is true, but I hadn’t told him anything about the birth at this point. Not sure the sessions really made a difference either but he was the only person to actually suggest his birth had had an after effect. Just glad they’re here now, eh? Thanks for sharing
      XxX

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  • notanottinghillmum

    Sorry to hear you had such a dreadful time! It’s sad that so many people seem to have terrible experiences, of different kinds. It always reminds me though how many women used to die in labour and how dangerous it still can be for some women. Thank God you are both OK now and have such a strong bond despite such a traumatic start x

  • Lydia

    Love that you wrote this- I too hard a hard time with both of my girl’s births. I haven’t written those down yet anywhere but I’ve always wanted to.

  • lynne1508

    My goodness, you are so brave talking about what was obviously a horrific trauma for you. I hope it’s helped you a wee bit by getting it down in writing. I’m in the middle of writing an article for my blog about PND and how it affects me. Think it may take a while though as the old baby-brain is still terrible even 11 months afterwards. Think it’s part of the PND though. I’m convinced that my c-section is also part of the reason. I don’t know if this is why I still feel a bit detached from my daughter, do you know what I mean? It’s as if I don’t really believe that we created such a wonder, such a miraculous wee person. It’s amazing all the people you meet that blog about PND and traumatic births.

    Your blog is amazing! ;o)

    • ghostwritermummy

      Thank you so much. My doctor diagnosed PND after I went to him, desperate with insomnia and flashbacks from the birth. He was useless. I never wanted a label like that and I WASN’T depressed. Makes me so angry that birth trauma is swept under the carpet because it isn’t understood!
      Thanks for your comments
      XxX

  • kelly

    Wow what a read! Maybe now i am ready to tell my story? I am desperate for a second child but how can i possibly go through that again? You have made me realise that no matter what happens the love for my child will grow srong and be there forever, a bond like that is worth it no matter what it takes! Thankyou x

    • ghostwritermummy

      Hello!! If you would like to share your story, I am a good listener 🙂
      If you had a bad experience, there is no reason why the next time should be the same. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself, but now you know my story you can be. I won’t let what happened with Luka put me off another one. I love him so much- you knw what that feels like!- and thats all that matters!
      Thanks for your comments!
      XxX

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  • mothersalwaysright

    What a terrifying experience for you, but glad you have such a beautiful boy at the end of it. This post is so honest and raw, it has made me remember my own experience – although it was nothing as horrific as yours, it still bloody hurt!

    I was “lucky” in that I was only in “official” labour for 5 hours before my girl was born last June. But that was after 2 days of contractions and being sent home from the hospital twice. I was 12 days overdue and going out of my mind – the first midwife I saw was awful, telling me “it’s just going to get a lot worse so you may as well deal with it”. I cried! I think they thought I was faking it and they told me it would probably be another couple of days before anything properly started happening. She was born 6 hours later. It happened so quickly the midwife wasn’t even in the room.

    In the end I had a lovely midwife. But those first few hours were so scary and I was treated like an inconvenience because there were no free beds. If I had followed their advice and gone back home (again) my daughter would have been born on the kitchen floor. x

  • Elle

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. As my daughter’s 2nd birthday is fast approaching, I’m feeling a stronger need to write about my horrible labor and delivery experience. Not only was that bad, she was in the NICU for 3 weeks. I hope writing this has helped in some way. xx

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  • KARA SPENCER

    This is a great post, I am 2 weeks off my 2nd child after a horrible first birth story, everyone keeps telling me everything will be fine this time, I am not so sure, actually reading your story makes me think I am not crazy for worrying so thank you and I am glad you are all well now xx

    • ghostwritermummy

      I hope my story hasn’t scared you. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did- you have to stick up for yourself! If you need support or a friendly ear, pop over to maternitymatters.net- we are dedicated towards raising awareness of birht trauma and there are loads of us who have been through it. Good luck for your next one, please let me know how it goes
      XxX

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  • Donna@MummyCentral

    Why do we so blindly believe the medical ‘experts’ when they say things like ‘You’re not in labour’? You so obviously were. Have you had any sort of apology for your treatment that day?
    I had ante natal classes with a woman who was in labour for five days, and the hospital wouldn’t accept it. She was in pain and terror for all that time. Her husband couldn’t go to work because she was worried she might die. The hospital wouldn’t admit her, despite her state and several visits, begging them to take her in.
    Where is the compassion? If they thing you’re not in labour, what do they believe you’re going through?
    So angry and sorry to read what you went through.
    Incredibly happy that you and Luka are close and OK now x

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  • Tarryn

    Wow! What a story. Reading it brings back the memories of our traumatic birth. I totally understand the sheer terror of it all. Here is our story if you’re interested: http://www.nigglynoo.com/blog/a-story-of-amazing-grace/ I really hope that this pregnancy results in a mch less traumatic birth for you!

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  • ali

    This is beautiful. Heart wrenching yes, but so beautifully written. I am so sorry this happened to you. Xx

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