I’ve always found it amazing how tastes and smells can bring so much back to you; how alert our senses are! Last night we went grocery shopping and when I saw they were giving away tasters of stollen, I pounced upon it immediately and declared triumphantly: ‘It’s back! Christmas is here!’
To explain, this time last year I was heavily pregnant and P and I discovered the wonders of stollen for the very first time. It’s fair to say that, as cravings go, this was one obsession that well and truly saw me through our last days as a family of three. I wanted stollen for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If it wasn’t covered in icing sugar, forget it. If there was no hidden layer of golden gorgeousness (marzipan, incase you were wondering), then I wasn’t interested. Stollen was where it was at.
So, stollen. I tasted it last night and I don’t think I can ever do that again. The taste was bittersweet this time as it transported me back to the person I used to be then. Then. When I didn’t know what was around the corner. When I was unaware of the pain I was about to face, the heartache and the realisation of the fragility of life. When I was so excited for Christmas and all the magic memories we were sure to create with a brand new baby and a new status as a mother of two.
I am a mother of two, but it took a long time to become a happy, sure and relaxed mother of two. The stollen I tasted last night was drenched in the agony of his birth, the misery of that Christmas and the desperation of my emotions as P and I struggled to understand what had happened to the dream. The stollen I tasted last night took me back to stark white operating theatres, expressionless eyes and hidden voices. The stollen I tasted last night took me back to that second I missed, that minute I missed, that hour I missed, that first cry I missed, that first breath I missed… The stollen I tasted last night took me back.
Who ever knew there could be such a thing as stollen memories? Just as I thought I was over it all, getting on with it all and dealing with it all so well! I feel almost indignant at the audacity of that doughy baked good. How dare it come back into my life and whisper reminders of a pain that should be soothed now? So I decided last night- no more stollen. I am going to make this Christmas as happy as can be. And no more stollen! Besides, it’s incredibly fattening, you know.
I’m linking this post up as part of The Boy and Me’s Show off Showase- the one that should’ve done better.