Stollen memories

I’ve always found it amazing how tastes and smells can bring so much back to you; how alert our senses are! Last night we went grocery shopping and when I saw they were giving away tasters of stollen, I pounced upon it immediately and declared triumphantly: ‘It’s back! Christmas is here!’

To explain, this time last year I was heavily pregnant and P and I discovered the wonders of stollen for the very first time. It’s fair to say that, as cravings go, this was one obsession that well and truly saw me through our last days as a family of three. I wanted stollen for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If it wasn’t covered in icing sugar, forget it. If there was no hidden layer of golden gorgeousness (marzipan, incase you were wondering), then I wasn’t interested. Stollen was where it was at.

So, stollen. I tasted it last night and I don’t think I can ever do that again. The taste was bittersweet this time as it transported me back to the person I used to be then. Then. When I didn’t know what was around the corner. When I was unaware of the pain I was about to face, the heartache and the realisation of the fragility of life. When I was so excited for Christmas and all the magic memories we were sure to create with a brand new baby and a new status as a mother of two.

I am a mother of two, but it took a long time to become a happy, sure and relaxed mother of two. The stollen I tasted last night was drenched in the agony of his birth, the misery of that Christmas and the desperation of my emotions as P and I struggled to understand what had happened to the dream. The stollen I tasted last night took me back to stark white operating theatres, expressionless eyes and hidden voices. The stollen I tasted last night took me back to that second I missed, that minute I missed, that hour I missed, that first cry I missed, that first breath I missed… The stollen I tasted last night took me back.

Who ever knew there could be such a thing as stollen memories? Just as I thought I was over it all, getting on with it all and dealing with it all so well! I feel almost indignant at the audacity of that doughy baked good. How dare it come back into my life and whisper reminders of a pain that should be soothed now? So I decided last night- no more stollen. I am going to make this Christmas as happy as can be. And no more stollen! Besides, it’s incredibly fattening, you know.

I’m linking this post up as part of The Boy and Me’s Show off Showase- the one that should’ve done better.


7 responses to “Stollen memories

  • Crystal Jigsaw

    Something I’ve never tried, but my late mother-in-law used to make it regularly.

    CJ xx

  • michelletwinmum

    I have never tried stollena dn then when I read it was ful of marzipan, I knew why! A very emotive post, it is amasing what memories are tied up in.

    Mich x

  • Jennypaulin @ mummy mishaps

    Oooh yum I do like a bit of stollen, although I haven’t had any for a couple of Christmas’s now. I like what you did with the ‘stollen memories’ line!
    But seriously, I think you have made the right decision if eating some of it brings back those upsetting memories then you don’t need that putting a damper on your festivities. Maybe one day you will be able to eat stollen again and the taste will only remind you of how nice it tastes instead.
    Happy new year x

  • Mummy Vs Work (@MummyVsWork)

    I have never tried it.

    I’m sorry it brought back those memories but i hope that eating it again as a mum of 2 has given you some positive memories 🙂

  • Multiple Mummy

    Yes it is amazing how things like that can be a trigger. An incredibly gripping post and again I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic birth experience. As for stollen…well anything with marzipan in it, is pure evil as far as I am concerned!

    Through SOSC

  • Rebecca

    I always get some from the Christmas market in Birmingham. I say always as its been the last 4 years but I think that’s long enough for it to be a tradition.
    Hope you have found a Christmas food this year which brings you just happy memories.

  • The Boy and Me (@TheBoyandMe)

    That is so sad that stollen is associated in that way 😦 I hope that one day you can once again enjoy the soft cake and it’s whammy of flavours and think of it just as it is, a bloody good German cake.

    Thanks for linking this up to ShowOff ShowCase.

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